I don’t think my husband quite grasps that I. Am. Infertile. I’m so angry at him today, and I don’t want to be, but we have an appointment this week with a fertility clinic and I need him to get a grip. He also keeps treating me like I’ve never applied for a job before and telling me that I need to call people I’ve applied with and whatnot. Because he totally helped me get all my previous jobs. /sarcasm. I haven’t felt so unsupported in a really long time and I feel like no amount of explaining things to him is going to make him realize what a shitty support system he’s been and how he can make it better. He sprung a friend’s surprise pregnancy on me while driving home from the airport, after a flight with a fussy, teething baby on it. I cried. I’ve been crying. I don’t want to be always crying. Oh, and he also told me to get over my anxiety, so there’s that. I’m just sitting here asking myself what happened to the man I married. I hate this.

I Must Be Adopted

I have now been in my hometown for 14 days of a 16 day trip. So far, I have: been yelled at by my mother for not spending enough time with her even though she works every day, argued with my mom and stepdad about gay/black people, been told by my grandmother how disappointed she is in me because I didn’t go to the family reunion that I never planned to go to in the first place, had the same grandmother tell me that she thought I would call HER after she forgot my fucking birthday, took a car ride with a two year old who was NOT strapped in and was called paranoid, dove my mom to get food while she drank her beer and was called paranoid, and lots of other little things that make me want to run screaming from this place.

Yep, I’m home.

It really fucking sucks that me standing up for myself/others gets me labeled as paranoid or naive or “young.” (Thanks?) What sucks for them is that I’ve never been more confident in my beliefs or my choices. And my best choice is waiting on my paranoid, young, naive self half way across the country. And to think, I was worried about being so far away from my family…

Oh, I forgot the cherry on top. My mom spent 15 minutes telling me about all the couples she knows who have lived “fulfilling” lived without kids.

I can’t even begin to articulate my day.

I have a referral for a fertility clinic, so that’s new and terrifying.

I spent all morning attempting to not throw up. Then I had blood work done and spent that time attempting to not pass out.

Some news I’ve been waiting to pop up in my hometown’s newspaper was finally there, but it still hurts like I had no warning. A family member of mine was murdered and her murderer has copped a plea deal to serve significantly less time than his original sentence. It’s distressing.

Two weeks until I board a plane and head to my home state for a friend’s wedding. I celebrate my wedding anniversary next weekend and a four day weekend with my husband this weekend. Hopefully we’ll get some hiking time in and maybe even a round of putt putt. In the mean time, I’m on the job hunt and re-watching 30 Rock.

Also, my dog keeps farting at me and that’s not helping my ever-lingering nausea.

Oh, Arkansas.

Before I moved to California, I lived in Arkansas for four years. Yesterday, the state’s ban on gay marriage was overturned in a major human rights victory. I have been astonished at some of the bigoted vitriol I’ve read by people claiming to be Christians, but the craziest are those saying two men or two women shouldn’t be able to get married because they can’t reproduce.

Let me get this straight. A marriage between two people who love each other shouldn’t be allowed <i>because they cannot have children “naturallly.</i> By that logic, my marriage shouldn’t be legal. I will never have a child with my husband without the help of fertility drugs or maybe even IUI or IVF. By that logic, people who choose not to have children should not be allowed to get married. I’m pretty sure that my childless marriage and others’ gay marriages aren’t doing a damn thing to ruin the sanctity of straight people’s second, third, or fourth marriage. And could people please quit quoting Leviticus? If you want to follow Old Testament rules, let’s stone women who aren’t virgins when they get married while we’re at it. Quit picking which parts of the Bible are convenient to follow. It’s annoying to those of us who aren’t interested.

While I’m on my soapbox, can people also please quit comparing gay marriage to bestiality? Humans will never marry animals because animals are not legally capable of giving consent. Your dog cannot agree to marry you or have sex with you. The same applies to pedophilia. Children cannot give consent. Period. So let’s just stop with this, ok?

Are you afraid of the dark?

When I was in college, the night felt magical. I would sit on the balcony and smoke cigarette after cigarette, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone, but either way it was my favorite time to be alive. Anything could happen and, usually, anything did. I remember staying up all night talking to good friends and returning home long after dawn, sneaking in just before my mother arose to avoid her disapproving stares.

I’ve long since quit smoking and no longer have the stamina to stay up and watch the sunrise. I do well to make it to midnight, unless a good book has my attention, of course — then I might make it to one or two. However, this week, my husband started working the mid shift, which is midnight to seven a.m. He leaves the house just before I make my way to bed and returns home just as I’m waking up. We sit in the living room and talk while I have coffee and he eats dinner, then he crashes for the day. I sit in the living room, worried about disturbing his sleep. I thought about adjusting to his new schedule to make it seem more normal, but that was a short-lived idea.

The only upside to this is that I get our giant bed all to myself.