I don’t think my husband quite grasps that I. Am. Infertile. I’m so angry at him today, and I don’t want to be, but we have an appointment this week with a fertility clinic and I need him to get a grip. He also keeps treating me like I’ve never applied for a job before and telling me that I need to call people I’ve applied with and whatnot. Because he totally helped me get all my previous jobs. /sarcasm. I haven’t felt so unsupported in a really long time and I feel like no amount of explaining things to him is going to make him realize what a shitty support system he’s been and how he can make it better. He sprung a friend’s surprise pregnancy on me while driving home from the airport, after a flight with a fussy, teething baby on it. I cried. I’ve been crying. I don’t want to be always crying. Oh, and he also told me to get over my anxiety, so there’s that. I’m just sitting here asking myself what happened to the man I married. I hate this.
I have now been in my hometown for 14 days of a 16 day trip. So far, I have: been yelled at by my mother for not spending enough time with her even though she works every day, argued with my mom and stepdad about gay/black people, been told by my grandmother how disappointed she is in me because I didn’t go to the family reunion that I never planned to go to in the first place, had the same grandmother tell me that she thought I would call HER after she forgot my fucking birthday, took a car ride with a two year old who was NOT strapped in and was called paranoid, dove my mom to get food while she drank her beer and was called paranoid, and lots of other little things that make me want to run screaming from this place.
Yep, I’m home.
It really fucking sucks that me standing up for myself/others gets me labeled as paranoid or naive or “young.” (Thanks?) What sucks for them is that I’ve never been more confident in my beliefs or my choices. And my best choice is waiting on my paranoid, young, naive self half way across the country. And to think, I was worried about being so far away from my family…
Oh, I forgot the cherry on top. My mom spent 15 minutes telling me about all the couples she knows who have lived “fulfilling” lived without kids.